Self Reflection

There's so many things to say about myself.

Naive.
Fake.
Arrogant.
Bastard.
n of course,
Fatso.

I was reminded of the last word from a dictionary that belonged to me in Primary School.

People has said I am a confident person but I'll beg to differ.

I look down on myself, but try very hard to mask this very painful truth.

And with a mask, comes the lies.

And with lies, fakeness. A word that may perhaps describe me best.

I am a fake person. Or even why I'm still alive.

Don't be afraid. I'm scared to kill myself.

And thoughts of suicide only drives me to the brink of madness. It won't kill me.

Crying is the best way to vent thoughts of suicide, I guess. I can swear with my life that when I'm on the brink of madness, the only way I knew to save myself will be by crying.

Even if crying makes me look like a fool. One that perhaps should not be still alive.

But as I look down on myself. As I pity myself for the cruelties of fate. The world still revolves around me. They won't stop to sympathise with me, only looking down on me more than I'll never imagine.

And for my pride to be stepped upon, I'm dead already.

Living does not mean the person is still alive. He/She is just being a living machine. Breathing but not feeling. Feeling but not happy.

Like or dislike

Is there something wrong with me? Or am I simply so paranoid of what others are thinking of me?

I gotta admit.... I am very sensitive on this. Perhaps because I was bullied when I was young and is really scared of what others are thinking of me. Perhaps I'm pessimistic too, thinking of the negative side of things, thinking "I can't do" or "People don't like me so I am left alone".

But thinking deeper, one might infer that I did not initiate conversations with people at all! And that's my problem.

I can't converse well. I am scared of voicing my opinion sometimes. I am scared of offending people and so kept silent for most of the time in any conversations... I don't wanna say the wrong things.

But saying nothing suggests arrogance on my part, perhaps. I am scared of people's impression on me. That is a great flaw of me.

I surround myself in a bubble and cannot break out of it, even if I want to. Because I don't know how... sounds like an excuse? Maybe! But that's from the bottom of my heart...

Loneliness maybe a familiar feeling for me but I don't wanna face it again... and is struggling against falling into a deep abyss that I would not be able to climb out of, no matter how hard I tried...

Coming back music

Came back! Why do I go back? Everyone does that.

What do I like? What do I want? What do I need? What do I fear? Music.

Uncertainty. Feeling unloved. Love.

Love.

Seeking love.

Revenge. A twisted form of anger.

It's a beautiful yet dark emotion, exploring the every epitome of any human's dark side.

Revenge is not facing your music. Is a form of escapism. Steering yourself forward in life with a different emotion from despair, jealousy and anger.

"Why. Why am I poorer than others? Why do I not have things that should belong to me but belongs to him/her? Why should I lose my loved ones? I did no wrong so why are they punishing me?" - everyone should face their music.

Music is an universal language. Understood by all. Emotions all in check. You can't be wrong.

Yet sometimes, not even I understand myself. Not to say my music.

Music never lies. And that's why I love music. It evokes my emotions like no other.